Bring Me to Life
by Youko1
Summary: "If there was a time and place for me, it would be now and here with you."


Title: Bring Me to Life  
Author: Youko  
Series: Saiyuki   
Written: March 2003  
Rating: PG 13 for yaoi content  
Pairing: Hakkai x Gojyo  
Category: Romance, Yaoi  
Archive: Fanfiction.net, mediaminer.org  
Warnings: if the mere idea of this kind of relationship offends you, please ignore. otherwise, enjoy :) you've been warned.  
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He is watching me again. The warmth of his vigilance spreads like wild fire on my back while I prepare our lunch. I turn around and smile at him, the brightest that I could manage under such an awkward circumstance, and ask what's wrong but he doesn't say anything. He stays as silent as a shadow and I decidedly turn back to my work rather perplexed, yet again. I seem to be the object of his scrutiny more and more these days, but I didn't mind, I've always been an oddity and another pair of eyes to seemingly visually break my barriers made no difference at all... right?  
  
I heard the screech of wood on wood and the purposeful shuffle of feet before I felt gentle hands turning me around to face those rosen orbs that only a moment ago seemed intent on burning two holes on my back.   
  
"Gojyo, wha-" I stopped, startled. I looked up into his eyes and they suddenly appeared to be so...different.   
  
But then... No, that's not it, it's not his eyes.   
  
It was the way that he was looking into mine.   
  
Gojyo always had the uncanny ability to unfold everything that I had so carefully cloaked, just as easy as walking through an open door, so they say; or perhaps it's just the aura that emanates from him that disarms you instantly, making you surrender everything to him without even the slightest bit of protest.   
  
But then whatever it was, I knew exactly that he already held complete power over me by just peering into my eyes.  
  
No amount of resistance could ever deter him from reaching straight into my core where there is nothing but a hollow numbness, where my bloodlust past still resides and returns to haunt me constantly. The astonishing thing is that he knows what to look for and where to look for it--find my slumbering soul in a frost-laden wasteland, and then when he does find me there, battered and beaten, he effortlessly coaxes me out of my stupor. He does not come back empty handed.  
  
I stare back at him, bewildered no less at the intensity of his eyes; so intense that I could almost feel the red seeping deep into my skin, filling the emptiness inside me with a tingling warmth that I had no idea I had been missing all these years.  
  
I asked him again what was wrong, my voice faltering a bit, overwhelmed perhaps by this proximity to him, yet he still kept silent. The air around us grew heavy with silence and unease, and it was a moment too long before he closed his eyes and started to brake away. But suddenly, by some reflex I was not even aware I possessed, my hands desperately reached out and held his face in my hands, bringing his masculine Galatean beauty towards mine.  
  
"Don't," I heard myself murmur. I was keenly aware of the contact our foreheads were making; he and I were not wearing our customary headbands so I could distinctly feel all the more the warm of his skin against mine.  
  
'No don't go just stay here stay here this way'. My mind reeled; I didn't know what to do other than just breathe in the scent of him, truly feel his presence not far away, hold him close as if to say what no words could ever express. The longing to be reborn--basked in his warmth--was too overwhelming that I was caught in a vortex between what my mind denied what to say and what my body ordered to do.  
  
"Hakkai," he breathed, his voice laden with honey to my ears, and I felt his body shiver. This god of a man that I was holding near me was a powerful being, in every aspect imaginable. He was physically agile, strong, and essentially his devotion to us was unparalleled. And even his power to seduce was more than he could contain. And then I find myself amongst his conquests... for he could effortlessly claim the fortressed, masked pillar of horrors that I was, because I surrendered myself to him gladly. I knew that he alone had power over me.  
  
In this limbo in which I have voluntarily sentenced myself into and smiled gaily upon, Gojyo was the only life among the unfortunate dead.  
  
I knew that he alone could bring me back to life.   
  
"Let it go, Kai. Let it go." He whispers, gently cooing me as a mother would a troubled child. I wrapped my arms around his slender neck, burying my face in his garnet tresses and sighed. "Help me, Gojyo. Tasukette kudasai."  
  
He knew what I was thinking, and for that I am grateful that I didn't have to explain myself for it would surely tear me apart... well, at least for now. He knew that if I voiced out all the ghosts that resided in me, it would feel as if Kanan had died all over again, and that I would become the murderous human once more, and I would be powerless to stop death from taking me down with him to hell that time around with no Gojyo to hold on to. No Gojyo to save me.  
  
"Baka, you know I will."  
  
"...stay?"  
  
"You don't have to ask."  
  
He is here. Right here where I can see him and be certain that he is real and that I am out of the dark, godless sleep of a millennia, and that he will always be there to make my life blissful and miserable all at the same time. Blissful for obvious reasons of course, and miserable... miserable because I know that I can never have enough of this man. Yes, I will constantly crave for him and for all that he can give: for the life that he is offering, and for that chance that I wish to take.  
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Youko  
March 2003; 10:45 AM EST  
Inspired by the song "Bring Me To Life" by Evanescence   
  
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